Wonderful Counselor

For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

Whatever you may face this holiday season, or anytime, remember:

He is Wonderful Counselor. You can go to him anytime with anything and He is ready and willing to help you through any difficulty you may endure. If you know that you will encounter family drama, personal hurt, broken relationships, or grief this week, make the time- before you see anyone else- to talk to Him about your pain. Let Him fill you with His grace and mercy as you receive His wise counsel over the situation and enter in confidence in His love.

The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of his heart to all generations. Psalm 33:11

He is Mighty God. He is mighty to save. Any person. Any situation. Broken hearts, broken relationships, broken situations, all can be healed in Him. He may not heal in the time frame we have in mind or in the method that we prefer, but we can rest in trust that He is at work as we continually go to Him. Go to Him.

Do not say, 'I will repay evil'; wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you. Psalm 20:22

He is Everlasting Father. He is the good Father- authority, security, comfort, support- that our hearts desire. What He puts into motion, will reach full maturity under His authority. We can rest secure that He does not grow weary. As our Creator, He understands us more deeply than we understand ourselves.

Have you not known? Have you not heart? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. Isaiah 40:28

He is Prince of Peace. In the midst of chaos, peace can be found! Don’t just go to Him and throw all of your problems on Him and then walk away (but please go to Him and throw all of your problems on Him). Sit with Him. Listen to His Word (the Bible). Let Him speak peace into your storm. 

And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. Mark 4:39

Be still and know that I am God... Psalm 46:10

So whether you anticipate a difficult time this holiday season, or you are finding yourself in the middle of the mess, please excuse yourself to be alone for a few minutes to meet with your Wonderful Counselor. Allow Mighty God save you as you entrust yourself to your Everlasting Father and find rest in the Prince of Peace. It's what He came to do. Glory to God! 

Merry Christmas, brothers and sisters. 

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!  Luke 2:14

Navigating Grief through the Holidays

The Christmas season is usually considered a joyous one for the love that is more openly expressed through giving gifts and spending time with the people who matter the most to us. But if you’ve lost someone you love this year, through death or broken relationship, you may be feeling a little lost as the season progresses. Your yearly routines may be interrupted by the loss of another’s role, leaving you scrambling to fill the hole that they left. You might even feel like you are regressing in your grief. Some of you may even ignore the season all together to avoid the hurt and confusion.

First, let me say, you are not alone in your pain. Unfortunately, we live in a broken world where the pain of death and broken relationship is all too real to so many. Let me encourage you to share your pain with a healthy and supportive friend or join a local support group such as Grief Share if it is available. If you cannot find a local support group or share with a friend, please consider processing your pain with a counselor, so that your life continues in a healthy direction.

Second, let me express that grieving, especially during this season, is normal and healthy. While getting stuck in grief or a stage of grief is not healthy, remembering and reminiscing precious times with a lost loved one is expected.

How do you identify if you are getting stuck in your grief?

Counselors generally look at Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grief. I prefer to call them the five “phases” of grief, because these emotions do not always occur in a linear fashion (one after another until someone reaches acceptance). A person could feel denial in the morning, acceptance at lunch, depression at dinner, and anger at night. It simply depends on the day, its stressors and down time; and you, your personality, and coping skills. Ask yourself two questions about the first 4 of the following phases: 1) Is this emotion disrupting my ability to function normally through daily life? 2) Have I been feeling this way for 2 weeks or longer? If your answer is yes to either, please contact a counselor.

1.       Denial- shock, disbelief, mental knowledge without acceptance into the belief system

2.       Anger- general anger, anger towards the situation, anger towards the person, anger towards other people involved, anger towards self

3.       Depression- general sadness, sometimes preventing someone from the ability to function normally throughout the day (getting out of bed, practicing personal hygiene, attending work/school). If this behavior lasts more than 2 weeks, it is imperative to see a counselor and/or doctor. If this is coupled with thoughts of suicide, tell someone supportive and see a doctor immediately. You can find the suicide hotline number at the bottom of this page.

4.       Bargaining- many times this includes thoughts that begin with “if only I/she/he/we had…”, sometimes this is a bargaining with God to bring them back, sometimes this is bargaining with the other person in the broken relationship to come back

5.       Acceptance- the ability to find a new normal and move forward with your life. 

What are some things you can do to try to enjoy the season?

While you might struggle with the thought of your future life without your loved one, the traditions of the holidays bring a unique opportunity for you to celebrate the gift of life that you have been given by working toward creating your new normal. Here are some ideas to consider:

Start new traditions- take a supportive friend or another loved one to do something you have dreamed of doing. If you have always wanted to stay in a cabin in the mountain snow, but couldn’t go due to the health concerns of your lost loved one, invite someone supportive to join you for a weekend away.

Serve the community- volunteer your time or donate money to a meaningful charity (i.e. give to orphans if you lost a child, cancer patients if you lost someone to cancer, charities that interested your lost loved one). You could also ask supportive friend or loved one to go with you if you choose to give your time.

Share fond memories with mutual loved ones or supportive friends over your favorite warm beverage- Create a moment that warms your heart as you laugh and cry together over the sweet memories of your loved one.

Invite loved ones or supportive friends to join you in old traditions- If you like to hang lights on your house, but need a spare set of helping hands to accomplish it, invite a friend or loved one over to help. If you enjoy making a big meal for your celebration, invite people over to enjoy it with you or ask if you can bring it to their gathering.

Make sure to set aside time to grieve this holiday season, but limit your time by making plans to see someone. That way you get your time to cry, but you set up accountability to prevent getting stuck or falling into a deep depression through the season. Do not spend the holidays alone. Make plans.

If you feel that you are stuck in the grief process, having trouble navigating, or if the grief is too strong or deep, please contact a counselor to help you process through your pain.

Navigating the Holidays

"It's the most wonderful time of the year!" Does this statement breathe irony? Sarcasm? Many people face the holiday season with anxiety, depression, and even dread. We see families gather on TV that are joyful, kind, loving people. Even in situations where a show does not start with loving relationships, somehow (in about an hour), the “magic” of the season heals all wounds and lets bygones be bygones. All of the characters agree that love for each other supersedes any prior misconduct. Maybe you have even heard these stories in real life. Perhaps, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” evokes disappointment in, once again, dashed hopes. How do you navigate the strong negative emotions produced by the holidays?

Examine Your Expectations.

People probably haven’t changed. While there are “lightning bolt” experiences where great change happens instantly an “aha” moment, it is somewhat infrequent. Genuine change is usually a gradual process that takes time. Even following an “aha” moment, true change takes time to implement. The people you saw at last year’s gathering, while they have {hopefully} grown and matured over the year, are still the same people with the same personalities.

Broken relationships are not magically healed. If your mom and great aunt Edna have not been able to enjoy each other’s company for ten years, they most likely will not do so this year. If you have a family member who rarely shows respect to you, be aware that they probably will not show respect to you this year. While you can work to forgive them throughout the year, do not expect that they have worked to learn to show respect or desire forgiveness from you. It is wise to discuss with a counselor what healthy boundaries should be implemented in this situation.

This is not a time to address the issue. Perhaps you need to have a relationship conversation with a person who has hurt you. While this might be your chance to finally see them face-to-face, I would encourage you to wait until you can have a conversation privately outside of the holiday gathering. It would relieve you from added pressure at the gathering and would help the purpose for your plan by preventing the possibility of others getting involved divisively rather than a relationship healing conversation.

Have a Navigation Strategy

I encourage my clients to have three coping strategies of varying intensities at the ready when they walk into a high pressure situation. For example for a holiday gathering:

Mild irritation- change the subject of conversation, move to talk to someone else, play with a pet, get up to refill a drink

Moderate irritation- take a time out: step outside for some fresh air and practice deep breathing, go for a walk, find a quiet room for a few minutes, privately call a supportive friend

Intense irritation- kindly say farewell and leave the event, possibly have a backup plan in place in case this happens. This may be the time to go visit a supportive friend to help you process if they are available, or just give them a call. If a supportive friend isn’t available, do something calming or enjoyable: deep breathing exercises, meditation, listening to music, playing a game, reading a favorite book, or watching a favorite show. Be sure to process thoroughly with a friend or counselor when one is available.

*Keep in mind that you do not have to wait until you are emotionally exploding or imploding to implement your navigation strategy. Begin immediately the moment you begin to feel your emotions rising.

Here are some tips for enjoying the holiday season outside of family gatherings:

Forego stressful activities. If a crowded mall makes you cringe, shop online this year. If untangling a strand of Christmas lights is something you dread, hang a wreath and call it a day. You define your celebration. If it’s not something that encourages your heart to celebrate, change your traditions to things that do fill you with joy.

Keep a Blessings journal. Simply keep your eyes open for one blessing in your life every day, thank God, and jot it down. Even if it is as small as hitting a green light in traffic, or your favorite meal for lunch, this slight change in focus can lift your spirit as it opens your eyes to God’s graces in your life.

Find a place to serve. Whether it’s serving the homeless at a soup kitchen or donating a toy to orphans, serving the less fortunate has great potential to lift your spirits. There are a multitude of opportunities to serve around the city during the Christmas season. Ask your church leaders where they will be serving, or if they know of opportunities around your area. Find one that fits your personality and talents that you will enjoy.

While you may not feel that this is the most wonderful time of the year, you can still enjoy your holidays with the right expectations and strategy. Perhaps it is time to evaluate your yearly routine and make the changes that matter. You might be the next person singing “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”

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If you find yourself feeling stuck or unable to process the difficulties that the season brings, please don’t hesitate to see a counselor to help you through this time of life.