A Fighting Chance Against Depression

“Wax on. Wax off.” We remember Mr. Miyagi’s famous words to Daniel in the classic 1984 movie, The Karate Kid. Daniel was annoyed that he would be asked to do such menial tasks, but he soon found that it trained him to have the exact movements he needed to deflect blows from an opponent in a fight.

Creating and prioritizing a routine can have a similar effect on fighting symptoms of depression. A habitual routine can help with overwhelming feelings as it requires less mental energy when things are predictable. For example, having a morning routine can help you overcome the desire to stay in bed when you already have a plan for what you will be doing next instead of trying to find the motivation to figure out what you should do first and then do it. Many times, that first step is the hardest. With a routine, that first step is already decided. 

Often, getting out of that initial head-space and atmosphere can help slowly improve your mood. For example, practicing personal hygiene and getting dressed can give you a sense of purpose for the day. Reading your Bible and spending time in prayer can readjust your thinking and focus. Treating yourself to a delicious and nutritious meal can remind you that you are valuable and what you do matters. Getting your daily exercise can help you get some much needed fresh air, sunshine, and endorphins.

Occasionally, there are those days, where hard thoughts and emotions need to be processed. Having a routine can help with knowing when and where you can cut things from your day if you do need to take some time to feel your feelings. It can also limit your time in that space and force you to move on to the next thing, giving that time your focus and potentially preventing you from letting your thoughts spiral.

If you have the tendency to feel down, especially in this season of quarantine, make your life more predictable and train yourself to have the movement necessary to deflect blows from those symptoms of depression.

If you are experiencing some of these symptoms today and you do not have a daily routine that you are abiding by, may I recommend sitting down with your calendar or your to-do list right now and etching out your time for a predictable day. Then you can focus on smaller do-able tasks that are less overwhelming.

Elements to consider when creating a routine:

• consistent sleep and wake times

• time to worship, read, and pray

• meal prep and groceries

• exercise

• social time

• down time

• Sabbath

If you experience these symptoms for two weeks or more, please contact your doctor and a therapist.

If you have an immediate plan to commit suicide within the next 24 hours, call the hotline at the bottom of this page or go to the nearest Emergency Room immediately. 

Intentional Insomnia

It’s frustrating. Laying awake, watching the minutes turn into hours. Knowing that tomorrow you will not be functioning well during your daily activities. I love Job’s description, “When I lie down I say, 'When shall I arise?' But the night is long, and I am full of tossing till the dawn.” (Job 7:4 ESV) Considering Job’s hardships, he had good reason to struggle with insomnia. Insomnia is a common symptom of both anxiety and depression. Knowing Job’s losses, it is probably fair to say that he was struggling though either anxiety, or depression, or possibly both. Maybe you find yourself tossing and turning like Job. You try to make use of the time by reading, watching TV, eating, etc., sometimes to no avail. Or perhaps you are one that lays awake with numbness. No thoughts, just stillness in the dark of night.  If you are struggling with insomnia, you are not alone. Around one third of Americans report not getting enough sleep.

Insomnia can be spiritually frustrating as well. We see several times in the Bible when God gives sweet sleep (Proverbs 3:24), even to those with an anxious heart (Psalm 127:2). Jesus could sleep through a torrential storm while on a boat when everyone else was panicked (Luke 8:23)! Didn’t God create day and night and create a Sabbath because we need rest??? Yes. And prolonged lack of sleep is detrimental to your health and wellbeing.

However, we also see that God uses bouts of insomnia for great purpose. In Esther 6, King Ahasuerus finds himself tossing and turning. He chooses to have the historical book of his reign read to him to try to catch a few winks. Through the reading, the King is reminded of the salvation brought to him through Mordecai and God uses this long night to change the course of history for that nation!

Jesus goes so far as to request that his disciples not sleep in the Garden of Gethsemane when He goes to pray in His distress. He wanted them to be awake to see what God was doing. Salvation was coming through this difficult and dark night. God was using another sleepless night to change the course of history!

As we can see, God is working day and night. He never rests nor grows tired and weary. So next time you cannot seem to fall asleep, go to Him. Much like Jesus would go be alone and pray all night (Luke 6:12), perhaps He is trying to meet with you at a time when no one and nothing else is there to distract you.  Maybe He wants to speak some peace and comfort into the situation that plagues your thoughts and disrupts your sleep, leading to His gift of sweet sleep. Maybe there is great purpose to your insomnia tonight, possibly even changing the course of your life! 

*If you are experiencing prolonged lack of sleep that is effecting your daily functioning, please see a doctor and counselor immediately.

For further reflection-

Job 7:4 When I lie down I say, 'When shall I arise?' But the night is long, and I am full of tossing till the dawn.

Proverbs 3:24 If you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Psalms 127:2 It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Luke 8:22-25 One day he got into a boat with his disciples, and he said to them, "Let us go across to the other side of the lake." So they set out, and as they sailed he fell asleep. And a windstorm came down on the lake, and they were filling with water and were in danger. And they went and woke him, saying, "Master, Master, we are perishing!" And he awoke and rebuked the wind and the raging waves, and they ceased, and there was a calm. He said to them, "Where is your faith?" And they were afraid, and they marveled, saying to one another, "Who then is this, that he commands even winds and water, and they obey him?" '

Esther 6:1-3 On that night the king could not sleep. And he gave orders to bring the book of memorable deeds, the chronicles, and they were read before the king. And it was found written how Mordecai had told about Bigthana and Teresh, two of the king's eunuchs, who guarded the threshold, and who had sought to lay hands on King Ahasuerus. And the king said, "What honor or distinction has been bestowed on Mordecai for this?" The king's young men who attended him said, "Nothing has been done for him."

Matthew 26:40-41,45 And he came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And he said to Peter, "So, could you not watch with me one hour? Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Then he came to the disciples and said to them, "Sleep and take your rest later on. See, the hour is at hand, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.”

Isaiah 40:28 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.

Psalms 121:1-8 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

Luke 6:12 In these days he went out to the mountain to pray, and all night he continued in prayer to God.

Be Angry, and Do Not Sin: Part 2- Fighting Fair

My last blog post discussed the first half of Ephesians 4:26- Be angry and do not sin.  I recommended excusing yourself from a situation in order to use calming techniques before choosing to respond in anger. While this is a wise move, this cannot be where the conversation ends in a fair fight. Whether you are struggling with a spouse, friend, or co-worker, in a valued relationship, it is not fair to the other party to leave and never return. As the leaving party, it is important that you initiate a follow up conversation stating a time and place you would like to reconvene and work toward a solution together.

Now let’s take a look at the last half of Ephesians 4:26, “… do not let the sun go down on your anger.” I recommend that you initiate that conversation within 24 hours- or before the sun goes down again in following with this verse. It is possible that the other party can be growing in anger with the wait, and it will put the entire situation in a better place if a day or less passes between engagements. That gives you fair opportunity to calm, while giving respect and priority to the valued relationship.

This is where you get to practice James 1:19 as quoted in the last post: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Hopefully after spending some time in prayer, casting your anxieties on the Lord, you are able to enter the conversation with a fresh view of yourself and the other party. That being said, depending on the weight of the topic, this conversation may need to take place over time, if you need to step aside again to process and implement your calming strategies once again, and then reconvene. The goal and purpose of this technique is to communicate gently in order to maintain peace in the relationship. It is possible for people to disagree peaceably. 

If you are able, it would benefit the conversation to begin where the issue ended. State what happened and how that made you feel using “I statements”: I felt __________________ when you said/did ___________________. If your calming techniques, offered you a new perspective, you can include that here: I now see that _________________________. If not, you can ask for clarification: Could you explain to me what you meant when you said/did _________________?

If you cannot reach a solution, or reconvene without responding in anger, please seek the services of a good mediator. This is a person that needs to be equally invested in each party and unbiased toward the situation, that can speak diplomatically in a way that will build up both parties. A professional mediator or counselor can play this role, if no such person exists in your circle.

If you cannot move past the anger, please contact a counselor to help you process and move forward in your relationship.

**If this is an abusive situation, I do not recommend you returning to the person or the conversation without first contacting a counselor to help you move forward. Let that be your goal for the first 24 hours- to contact a counselor.

For further reflection-

Ephesians 4:26-27 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

James 1:19-20 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Ephesians 4:1-3 I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Proverbs 15:1 (MSG) A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.

Matthew 5:43-44 You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Psalms 23:5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Be Angry, and Do Not Sin

I often hear the first phrase of this verse quoted, “Be angry and do not sin;” usually followed with the question, “How do I do that?” First, I would like to point out that this verse is not saying that anger is a sin. It is saying that we can feel anger and not sin. However, our typical responses in anger rarely exclude sin. Very few of us would argue with James 1:20 where it says, “the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Most of us have experienced the detriment to our valued relationships from reacting in anger. Some of us react in anger so often that those around us are in a constant state of walking on eggshells. Anger is a pretty common response and can be a symptom of increased anxiety and/or depression in your life. So how do we be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry”? (James 1:19).

The writer of Ephesians 4:26 is actually quoting a verse in Psalms 4-

“But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him. Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah”

— Psalms 4:3-4

I believe the answer is found in this context. The Lord is being clear in verse 3 that He is at the ready to listen to us any time we call. Yes, even when we are angry. Even when we are irrationally angry. We can be sure that He is willing to listen to our every thought and concern, no matter how disjointed it may be, by the promise written in Isaiah 30:18-

“Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.”

— Isaiah 30:18

He is literally waiting to show you his mercy and grace. I believe Psalm 4 instructs us, rather than to react in anger,

1) To excuse ourselves from the situation- without speaking if necessary

2) Get alone (perhaps in your bedroom as is suggested in the verse)

3) Talk to him about it. Tell God about your anger, about the situation, and about any wounds that have been inflicted on you.

4) Then listen, and allow Him to speak into the situation. What is His response? What does He have to say about your wounds, your emotions, the situation, and the other person/people involved? What does the Bible say about all of these?

As the rest of Ephesians 4:26 recommends, pray until you are no longer angry. Pray all night if you have to. If you are having a physical response- you want to hit something or scream, for example- couple your prayers with physical exercise. Call out to Him with every push-up. Spend your alone time with Him while running. Continue talking to Him about it until you can walk away with a gentle response that will build up and, hopefully, improve the situation.

Of course, if you get stuck in your anger, and need help processing, please call for an appointment. 

For further reflection-

Ephesians 4:26-27 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

James 1:19-20 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Psalms 4:3-4 But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him. Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah

Isaiah 30:18 Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.'

Proverbs 15:1 (MSG) A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.

Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

For Unto Us is Given... the Prince of Peace

Because He is our Wonderful Counselor, a Mighty God, and our Everlasting Father, we can rest peacefully. He is our Prince of Peace.

For unto us a child is born,

to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

One of the first statements declared about the gift of Jesus was by a multitude of angels to a few shepherds in a field, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!" (Luke 2:14) Like the climate of that time, we live in a time where peace is desperately sought after and rarely found in the hearts of people. Anxiety and depression abound as chaos and calamity seem relentless. And yet, in all of this noise, we find a baby on a silent night. We see Psalm 23 personified. He who created peace, writes peace, and publishes peace, came to live so that we could experience peace. As one of His parting messages, Jesus said in John 14:27 that He gives peace and will leave us with peace through the Holy Spirit. One of His main purposes for living among us was to give us peace. I hope you find the opportunity to focus your mind and heart on him today and experience the peace the gift of Jesus has for you at all times in every way. Whatever weighs you down, 1) ask your Wonderful Counselor what you can do about it, 2) ask your Mighty God who is able and your Everlasting Father who desires to do what is best for you to do something about it, and, 3) walk away with the Prince of Peace ruling in your heart, filled with hope, joy, and peace, thanking Him for taking care of it and you.

For further reflection-

Luke 2:14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

Psalm 23:1-6 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.  He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Nahum 1:15 Behold, upon the mountains, the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace! Keep your feasts, O Judah; fulfill your vows, for never again shall the worthless pass through you; he is utterly cut off.

Isaiah 26:3 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

2 Thessalonians 3:16 Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Colossians 3:15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

*If whatever is weighing you down, continues to do so, please call to make an appointment. I would love to help you process and give you more helpful tools for moving forward. I have appointments available in the new year, beginning January 8th!

For Unto Us is Given... an Everlasting Father

As we continue to look at Isaiah 9:6 and discuss how the gift of Jesus can impact us, let’s take note of how each name of Jesus described in this passage builds on the previous- Jesus is our Wonderful Counselor because He is both- Mighty God and Everlasting Father. He is the strength of Creator God over all things in the universe with the presence and attention of a caring Father.

For unto us a child is born,

to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

In recent years, our culture has been working to redefine what the ideal father looks like. Traditionally, we have valued the security found in role of a father as a provider and stable authority. Presently, we have added values such as caring, present, supportive, and guiding. All of these elements of fatherhood and more are found in descriptions of our Good Father in the Bible. An example that comes to mind is the description of the Father that Jesus gives in the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32). Here we see a Father who is generous, quick to forgive, and desiring to be present and available to his children, even to the point of his own disgrace. In Matthew 7:11, we read that our Father is not only generous, but gives good gifts. Psalm 103:13 describes Him as compassionate. We read about his attentiveness in Psalm 139 where it states that He thinks about us more often than there are grains of sand.  Who doesn’t want a father like that… forever?! The gift of Jesus is the gift of God the Father giving us Himself. We can get to the Father who embodies all of these traits because of Jesus. In John 14:6, Jesus says, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” So whatever problem you face, you have a Father who is kind, compassionate, generous, thoughtful, wise, forgiving, secure, provides, and a myriad of other beautiful attributes and who never grows weary of doing them. His gift is to be our Everlasting Father.

For further reflection-

Luke 15:11-32

Matthew 7:7-11 Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.   For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.    Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone?    Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?    If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

Psalm 103:13 As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.

Psalm 139:17-18 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.

Isaiah 40:28 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.

Psalms 90:2 Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

Psalms 103:17 But the steadfast love of the Lord  is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children

For Unto Us is Given... a Mighty God

Last week we took a look at how Jesus was given as a gift to us so that we would have an ever-present counselor. This week we are discussing how He not only guides us, but whatever He guides us to, He can do.

For unto us a child is born,

to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

I’m sure it was difficult for many to see a little baby and believe Jesus to be a Mighty God. If it weren’t for the multitude of angels singing in the sky and a spotlight shining all the way from outer space, His birth would have gone unnoticed in a little barn. Many times through scripture people are recounted as struggling with that same thought. We face some really big problems in life and sometimes they mount upon each other giving the impression of an Everest-sized mountain, comparatively making our Savior look like a little baby. In the book of Job, we see that Job lost everything- all of his children and wealth were lost in a day, only to find that his relationships with those who were still alive- his wife and friends- were not supportive. His problems were overwhelming, for Job and those around him. But our God reminds Job who He is- Mighty and Able. The same God who flung the stars and planets in to space and created every species on this earth greatest to smallest, took all the power He had and left Heaven with all of its splendor to come to us, live like us, die for us, and conquer death for us. So whatever mountain you face, Jesus said Himself in Mark 11:23, that He can and will move mountains if it is His will to do so. He is a Mighty God.

For further reflection-

Job 38-41

Job 36:5 Behold, God is mighty, and does not despise any; he is mighty in strength of understanding.

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Mark 11:22-24 And Jesus answered them, "Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Psalms 24:8 Who is this King of glory? The Lord, strong and mighty, the Lord, mighty in battle!

For Unto Us is Given... a Wonderful Counselor

Last year around Christmas, I wrote a short blog based off of Isaiah 9:6. This year, I would like to expound upon that and discuss a different name for Christ listed in this verse each week of December. I love this particular verse because it discusses the gift that God desires to give to the world through the birth of His son, Jesus. 

For unto us a child is born,

to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

As a counselor, you can imagine I particularly appreciate this attribute of God. In John 14:16, when Jesus was headed toward the cross in his final days, He told His followers that we are sent a paraklētos- a helper, comforter, advocate, counselor- the Holy Spirit. All of us who have the Holy Spirit, have access to His counsel at any time for any reason. It is literally a purpose of His Spirit within us. This brings me great joy, not only for my own good as a counselor, but for the good of my clients! No matter how long I may counsel someone and analyze and understand, when it comes down to it, I am still a limited human. I cannot be present at every conversation you have, every situation you face. I cannot understand the full inner-workings of your mind and heart. I can listen. I can pray for understanding and work to that end. With the education He provided for me coupled with His understanding of you and His guidance, I can help you and give you tools to move forward. But, because of the birth and death and life of Jesus, the Holy Spirit is always present. Always available to help and support His children in their journey. He is there at every conversation. He created you in your mother's womb, He connected every neuron together, so He does understand each and every thought and feeling you have. Even when we don't understand ourselves, He does and intercedes for us. He knows you and your life better than any human could ever attempt, and He is ready and eager to help you through with His all-knowing perspective. He is the Wonderful Counselor. And my support to serve you.

For further reflection-

John 14:16 'And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever,'

Isaiah 30:18 'Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.'

Isaiah 55:9 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'

Psalm 139:1-18 'O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord , you know it altogether. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.'

Romans 8:26 'Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.'

From Fantasy to Forgiveness

Most of us do this. Maybe you did today. We finally get a little brain break in the shower and we use it to fantasize winning that argument. I’m not knocking this technique. Some arguments are best left for the shower! Shower arguing can be therapeutic in that it helps release those thoughts and feelings that could hurt a relationship and are better unsaid to the other person. But perhaps the shower argument fantasy is a good indicator that we need to work toward forgiving someone.

We throw that word around a lot, but what is forgiveness? I get asked this often. Webster defines forgiveness- to stop feeling anger toward, blaming, or requiring payment of. The Greek term, aphesis, used in the New Testament, translates “forgiveness” as “releasing from bondage”. Jesus set the ultimate example of forgiveness for us on the cross when He says, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34 ESV)

While it is highly unlikely that you will end up dying for the injustices committed against you as Jesus did, the truth is, that person may really deserve the verbal lashing you can give them in the argument fantasy. As we are fantasizing winning that argument, we are holding that person captive for something they have done or said- allowing ourselves to be judge, jury, and executioner. But by doing so, are we really holding them captive, or are we the ones being held captive by what was done to us? Are they still holding on to the injustice they committed against you? Maybe, but holding it in your heart and mind doesn't change how they are feeling about it. Looking back to Jesus' example (in much more dire circumstances), I once heard someone pose this question- why are you holding them captive when God has set them free [or offers to set them free]? When we forgive someone, we are choosing to walk out of the captivity brought to us by the injustice committed against us and let the Lord deal with the person and situation according to His perfect judgement.

Keep in mind- forgiveness is a process. Many people believe that the negative feelings should go away immediately, but it might be necessary to forgive a person multiple times before being able to move forward. The important thing is that you engage the process, praying as often as necessary, “Lord, I do not feel like forgiving this person, but I would like to move on with life, so I place them and the situation in your hands to deal with it as you see fit.” Then release them. If you continue to struggle with letting go, ask God to help you and feel free to give me a call.

3 Things to Pray for a Difficult Conversation

If you have a relationship with anyone- marriage, friendship, co-worker, parent, roommate, etc.- you will face difficult conversations. It is a good and healthy thing for the individuals in relationships to disagree occasionally. Disagreement, handled well, can deepen the bonds of that relationship because it offers acceptance and freedom for each person to be themselves. However, getting through that difficult conversation, can harm the relationship, if the parties do not know how to handle conflict.

Here are 3 things to pray for when facing a difficult conversation:

1) Help me to be eager to listen and understand, and slow to respond. Please remove the temptation to react. 
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 'for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20

2) Please show me your perspective and mold the words of my mouth and the thoughts (about this situation/person) from my heart to be the same as Yours.
“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” Psalm 19:14 ESV

3) Please be the guard over my mouth, so that what I say builds up and extends grace.
“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” Psalms 141:3
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29

"Why see a Christian counselor?"

I was asked this week, “Why see a Christian counselor?”
This is an important question, and one I appreciated receiving. There are many different types of Christian counselors, so I cannot speak for other Christian counselors, but in my practice, I have received the same psychological education (Baccalaureate in Psychology and Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy) and state licensure (state approved LMHCA) as other mental health counselors in the state of Washington. As a bonus to my licensure, I have also already passed the National Counselor Examination. This examination is not required at the Associate level in the state of Washington. Thus, I am nationally and state approved to counsel based on my education and examination. 
However, you could find these similarities with other secular counselors. What sets me apart as a Christian counselor is that the Master’s program that I attended was at a Seminary and included 30 extra hours of education in Bible and Theology for completion. I graduated with the 60 hours of education for clinical psychological practice that is required for every licensed mental health counselor to practice, with an additional 30 hours of Theology courses. That’s a full extra year of graduate school to have the dual education. 
This dual education, plus years of practicing Christian counseling since, has allowed me to offer what I call an “integrated approach” to counseling. My experience allows me to filter psychological issues through Biblical principles as well as implement those strategies that are both- scientifically evidence based and agree with Scripture. This assures my clients that their core beliefs are valued and that the therapy process will uphold integrity at a spiritual, mental, and emotional, level. 
If you are remotely interested in Christian ideas in counseling, or wonder what the Bible has to say in your struggles, give me a call. Jesus said, "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) Let's look to the Overcomer together as we navigate your road toward healing and peace.

Wonderful Counselor

For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

Whatever you may face this holiday season, or anytime, remember:

He is Wonderful Counselor. You can go to him anytime with anything and He is ready and willing to help you through any difficulty you may endure. If you know that you will encounter family drama, personal hurt, broken relationships, or grief this week, make the time- before you see anyone else- to talk to Him about your pain. Let Him fill you with His grace and mercy as you receive His wise counsel over the situation and enter in confidence in His love.

The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of his heart to all generations. Psalm 33:11

He is Mighty God. He is mighty to save. Any person. Any situation. Broken hearts, broken relationships, broken situations, all can be healed in Him. He may not heal in the time frame we have in mind or in the method that we prefer, but we can rest in trust that He is at work as we continually go to Him. Go to Him.

Do not say, 'I will repay evil'; wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you. Psalm 20:22

He is Everlasting Father. He is the good Father- authority, security, comfort, support- that our hearts desire. What He puts into motion, will reach full maturity under His authority. We can rest secure that He does not grow weary. As our Creator, He understands us more deeply than we understand ourselves.

Have you not known? Have you not heart? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. Isaiah 40:28

He is Prince of Peace. In the midst of chaos, peace can be found! Don’t just go to Him and throw all of your problems on Him and then walk away (but please go to Him and throw all of your problems on Him). Sit with Him. Listen to His Word (the Bible). Let Him speak peace into your storm. 

And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. Mark 4:39

Be still and know that I am God... Psalm 46:10

So whether you anticipate a difficult time this holiday season, or you are finding yourself in the middle of the mess, please excuse yourself to be alone for a few minutes to meet with your Wonderful Counselor. Allow Mighty God save you as you entrust yourself to your Everlasting Father and find rest in the Prince of Peace. It's what He came to do. Glory to God! 

Merry Christmas, brothers and sisters. 

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!  Luke 2:14

Navigating Anxiety

A Time to Worry

Most of us have heard the famous verses of Ecclesiastes 3. There’s even an old popular song about it! If you need a refreshing, here it is:

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For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

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Do you see our world in these verses?

In 2007, the New York Times did an article about how many advertisements we receive in a given day, with some estimates being as high as 5,000 ads! The purpose of an ad is to tell us that we are not good enough until we have said product. So, up to 5,000 times per day, we are told we are not good enough!! Talk about anxiety producing! Then we can turn on the TV, the computer, we even receive news alerts on our phones that remind us of constant death, violence, and mayhem! Naturally, fear increases. We walk around shocked and disillusioned at our ability to be barbaric, because deep down we know, that there is very little that separates us from whoever was mentioned in the news story. It affects some of us so deeply, that our brains resort to the primal fight or flight response and we begin developing a plan for if something like that happens to us or someone we love.

Notice that the verses above from Ecclesiastes do not once say “a time to worry.” In the Bible, the words “do not be afraid” are written 365 times. Not to mention other phrases, like “do not be anxious” (Matthew 6:25, Philippians 4:6). Opposing evidence we find around us may be significant, but I believe our good Father is trying to tell us something. He has promised not to leave us or forsake us (Joshua 1:9), even until the very end (Matthew 28:20). He has not promised that life will be without pain, but he HAS promised that he will be with us through thick and thin and he will provide all that we need to endure all that life throws at us. “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32) Everything.

A verse that I have discovered and returned to multiple times over the last year is Genesis 3:11. It’s a precious moment after Eve and Adam have chosen to listen and obey the serpent, thus disobeying God. God gently meets them in the garden, and like a good parent, helps them to confess their mistake. Then, in Genesis 3:11, “He said, ‘Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?’" That phrase, “Who told you…” is so powerful! God helps them identify the source of their troubles!

So. Who told you that it is time to worry?

Are you feeling anxious about current events? Or maybe you are facing difficult times in your personal life. First, identify the source of anxiety. Then ask- with so many promises from God, what do I need to do to quiet opposing messages? Here are some possibilities to help you start thinking in that direction:

• Cast your anxieties on Him. In 1 Peter 5:7, it is suggested to “[cast] all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” Physically make a list of all of the things that are worrying you. Pray about each one and then either 1) destroy the list as an act of trust that God will handle all of your problems and they are no longer yours, or 2) find scripture about each item that brings you comfort that God will handle each one. Making a list and seeing all of your concerns at one time can be overwhelming. Don’t hesitate to break up the process if you begin to feel overwhelmed and repeat the process later.
• Turn off the TV. Maybe, in an act of faith, you need to skip the nightly news and instead spend time thanking God for all he has given or done in your life. Maybe you need to turn off phone alerts for a time while you realign your focus onto God’s promises. You might even fast from media for a time.
• Make time to meditate. Read your scriptures daily and pray throughout your day to focus your mind on what matters. Matthew 6, is a good place to start reading when struggling with anxiety.
• Rejoice daily. Intentionally identify those things that bring you joy daily. Maybe start a journal where you can list them and spend time thanking God.

“Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.” (Isaiah 40:1) and “rejoice always” (1 Thessalonians 5:16), because you are “free indeed” (John 8:36).

If you are experiencing panic attacks, please contact a therapist or doctor immediately.

If you have felt anxious regularly for 2 weeks or more, please contact a counselor.

Navigating Seasonal Affective Disorder

‘Tis the Season for the post-holiday blues. What was merry and bright, for many people, now gives way to dark and gray. Perhaps your holiday celebrations were instead a disappointment, and since they have passed, you feel hope slipping in the new year. First, let me assure you that you are not alone. Feeling a little down in January is somewhat normal. January is considered by some to be the most depressing month of the year. Shorter days and colder temperatures keep us indoors and can lead to inactivity and social withdrawal. Decreased daily mental and emotional stimulation from relational contact can lead to a depressed mood. So how do we fare until the sun again warms our surroundings and lifts our moods?

1. Stay in community. Continue attending church services and bible studies. Share your struggle with other believers and pray together. Make plans to bundle up and do something fun (out to eat, get coffee, join a book club, see a movie, go ice skating, etc.) at least once a week in order to increase relational contact during the dark months.
2. Keep apprised of your vitamin D levels. Research has shown a link between vitamin D deficiency and depression.
   1. Visit your primary care physician. Get your blood checked for any vitamin deficiencies and supplement according to your doctor’s orders. Supplements for vitamin D can range from 1,000 to 50,000 units per day, so be sure to follow your doctor’s recommendation for appropriate supplementation.
   2. Purchase a UV lightbulb. Since the sun does not shine as long during the winter months, this is one way to bring the sunshine indoors. The Mayo Clinic recommends “sunning” for a minimum of 30 per day to improve mood.
3. Keep the season alive by celebrating the small things. Set weekly goals for yourself and celebrate your achievements! Were you able to successfully put away all of your Christmas decorations and gifts? Reward yourself by having some friends over in your reclaimed open space. Did you meet a deadline at work? Celebrate with co-workers out to lunch. 
4. Get some fresh air. Speaking of bundling up, head out for a walk, jog, or just visit a local park and take in the view of the sound or the mountains for a little while. If you get a long weekend for President’s day, take a day trip into the mountains to play in the snow. 
5. Keep up your exercise routine. Exercise increases endorphin levels which can help you fight depression. Join a gym, use an exercise video, or find a fun indoor physical activity (i.e. dancing) that will increase your heart rate thus improving your mood.
6. Make an appointment to see a counselor. As always, a competent therapist can assist you in processing any negative thoughts or behaviors and can help you to develop successful coping strategies for your personality and circumstances. That being said, if you are having any thoughts of suicide or self-harm, contact a doctor or therapist immediately. 

If you have an immediate plan to commit suicide within the next 24 hours, call the hotline at the bottom of this page or go to the nearest Emergency Room immediately. 

Navigating Grief through the Holidays

The Christmas season is usually considered a joyous one for the love that is more openly expressed through giving gifts and spending time with the people who matter the most to us. But if you’ve lost someone you love this year, through death or broken relationship, you may be feeling a little lost as the season progresses. Your yearly routines may be interrupted by the loss of another’s role, leaving you scrambling to fill the hole that they left. You might even feel like you are regressing in your grief. Some of you may even ignore the season all together to avoid the hurt and confusion.

First, let me say, you are not alone in your pain. Unfortunately, we live in a broken world where the pain of death and broken relationship is all too real to so many. Let me encourage you to share your pain with a healthy and supportive friend or join a local support group such as Grief Share if it is available. If you cannot find a local support group or share with a friend, please consider processing your pain with a counselor, so that your life continues in a healthy direction.

Second, let me express that grieving, especially during this season, is normal and healthy. While getting stuck in grief or a stage of grief is not healthy, remembering and reminiscing precious times with a lost loved one is expected.

How do you identify if you are getting stuck in your grief?

Counselors generally look at Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grief. I prefer to call them the five “phases” of grief, because these emotions do not always occur in a linear fashion (one after another until someone reaches acceptance). A person could feel denial in the morning, acceptance at lunch, depression at dinner, and anger at night. It simply depends on the day, its stressors and down time; and you, your personality, and coping skills. Ask yourself two questions about the first 4 of the following phases: 1) Is this emotion disrupting my ability to function normally through daily life? 2) Have I been feeling this way for 2 weeks or longer? If your answer is yes to either, please contact a counselor.

1.       Denial- shock, disbelief, mental knowledge without acceptance into the belief system

2.       Anger- general anger, anger towards the situation, anger towards the person, anger towards other people involved, anger towards self

3.       Depression- general sadness, sometimes preventing someone from the ability to function normally throughout the day (getting out of bed, practicing personal hygiene, attending work/school). If this behavior lasts more than 2 weeks, it is imperative to see a counselor and/or doctor. If this is coupled with thoughts of suicide, tell someone supportive and see a doctor immediately. You can find the suicide hotline number at the bottom of this page.

4.       Bargaining- many times this includes thoughts that begin with “if only I/she/he/we had…”, sometimes this is a bargaining with God to bring them back, sometimes this is bargaining with the other person in the broken relationship to come back

5.       Acceptance- the ability to find a new normal and move forward with your life. 

What are some things you can do to try to enjoy the season?

While you might struggle with the thought of your future life without your loved one, the traditions of the holidays bring a unique opportunity for you to celebrate the gift of life that you have been given by working toward creating your new normal. Here are some ideas to consider:

Start new traditions- take a supportive friend or another loved one to do something you have dreamed of doing. If you have always wanted to stay in a cabin in the mountain snow, but couldn’t go due to the health concerns of your lost loved one, invite someone supportive to join you for a weekend away.

Serve the community- volunteer your time or donate money to a meaningful charity (i.e. give to orphans if you lost a child, cancer patients if you lost someone to cancer, charities that interested your lost loved one). You could also ask supportive friend or loved one to go with you if you choose to give your time.

Share fond memories with mutual loved ones or supportive friends over your favorite warm beverage- Create a moment that warms your heart as you laugh and cry together over the sweet memories of your loved one.

Invite loved ones or supportive friends to join you in old traditions- If you like to hang lights on your house, but need a spare set of helping hands to accomplish it, invite a friend or loved one over to help. If you enjoy making a big meal for your celebration, invite people over to enjoy it with you or ask if you can bring it to their gathering.

Make sure to set aside time to grieve this holiday season, but limit your time by making plans to see someone. That way you get your time to cry, but you set up accountability to prevent getting stuck or falling into a deep depression through the season. Do not spend the holidays alone. Make plans.

If you feel that you are stuck in the grief process, having trouble navigating, or if the grief is too strong or deep, please contact a counselor to help you process through your pain.

Navigating the Holidays

"It's the most wonderful time of the year!" Does this statement breathe irony? Sarcasm? Many people face the holiday season with anxiety, depression, and even dread. We see families gather on TV that are joyful, kind, loving people. Even in situations where a show does not start with loving relationships, somehow (in about an hour), the “magic” of the season heals all wounds and lets bygones be bygones. All of the characters agree that love for each other supersedes any prior misconduct. Maybe you have even heard these stories in real life. Perhaps, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” evokes disappointment in, once again, dashed hopes. How do you navigate the strong negative emotions produced by the holidays?

Examine Your Expectations.

People probably haven’t changed. While there are “lightning bolt” experiences where great change happens instantly an “aha” moment, it is somewhat infrequent. Genuine change is usually a gradual process that takes time. Even following an “aha” moment, true change takes time to implement. The people you saw at last year’s gathering, while they have {hopefully} grown and matured over the year, are still the same people with the same personalities.

Broken relationships are not magically healed. If your mom and great aunt Edna have not been able to enjoy each other’s company for ten years, they most likely will not do so this year. If you have a family member who rarely shows respect to you, be aware that they probably will not show respect to you this year. While you can work to forgive them throughout the year, do not expect that they have worked to learn to show respect or desire forgiveness from you. It is wise to discuss with a counselor what healthy boundaries should be implemented in this situation.

This is not a time to address the issue. Perhaps you need to have a relationship conversation with a person who has hurt you. While this might be your chance to finally see them face-to-face, I would encourage you to wait until you can have a conversation privately outside of the holiday gathering. It would relieve you from added pressure at the gathering and would help the purpose for your plan by preventing the possibility of others getting involved divisively rather than a relationship healing conversation.

Have a Navigation Strategy

I encourage my clients to have three coping strategies of varying intensities at the ready when they walk into a high pressure situation. For example for a holiday gathering:

Mild irritation- change the subject of conversation, move to talk to someone else, play with a pet, get up to refill a drink

Moderate irritation- take a time out: step outside for some fresh air and practice deep breathing, go for a walk, find a quiet room for a few minutes, privately call a supportive friend

Intense irritation- kindly say farewell and leave the event, possibly have a backup plan in place in case this happens. This may be the time to go visit a supportive friend to help you process if they are available, or just give them a call. If a supportive friend isn’t available, do something calming or enjoyable: deep breathing exercises, meditation, listening to music, playing a game, reading a favorite book, or watching a favorite show. Be sure to process thoroughly with a friend or counselor when one is available.

*Keep in mind that you do not have to wait until you are emotionally exploding or imploding to implement your navigation strategy. Begin immediately the moment you begin to feel your emotions rising.

Here are some tips for enjoying the holiday season outside of family gatherings:

Forego stressful activities. If a crowded mall makes you cringe, shop online this year. If untangling a strand of Christmas lights is something you dread, hang a wreath and call it a day. You define your celebration. If it’s not something that encourages your heart to celebrate, change your traditions to things that do fill you with joy.

Keep a Blessings journal. Simply keep your eyes open for one blessing in your life every day, thank God, and jot it down. Even if it is as small as hitting a green light in traffic, or your favorite meal for lunch, this slight change in focus can lift your spirit as it opens your eyes to God’s graces in your life.

Find a place to serve. Whether it’s serving the homeless at a soup kitchen or donating a toy to orphans, serving the less fortunate has great potential to lift your spirits. There are a multitude of opportunities to serve around the city during the Christmas season. Ask your church leaders where they will be serving, or if they know of opportunities around your area. Find one that fits your personality and talents that you will enjoy.

While you may not feel that this is the most wonderful time of the year, you can still enjoy your holidays with the right expectations and strategy. Perhaps it is time to evaluate your yearly routine and make the changes that matter. You might be the next person singing “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”

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If you find yourself feeling stuck or unable to process the difficulties that the season brings, please don’t hesitate to see a counselor to help you through this time of life.